Dear Ethicist

This began as a letter to the weekly New York Times column Letter to the Ethicist.  I subscribe to The Ethicist and receive it in my email.  Sometimes I read it, sometimes I don't.  When I came upon last week's letter, I read the letter, but not the reply.  Sometimes it's like that, especially with things in my email.  For approximately the past two weeks, off and on, I had been too much in my head about my own Ethicist question, although I wasn't yet thinking of it that way.  When I read the current Letter to the Ethicist, I began to think that the Ethicist was exactly what I needed.  I scrolled to the bottom to the Contact the Ethicist and clicked on the link.  A blank page came up and I began to write.  When I finished, I hit the send button.  This is my letter.  It contains four individuals as follows:

1.  I am a character in my own ethical dilemma.

2.  The main character, my friend Helen (not her real name).

3.  Helen's friend, Marlene (also not her real name), who "loves Airbnb", in quotes because this is how she represented herself on the issue.

4.  Helen's friend, Linda (also not her real name), who is "burned out on hotels", in quotes because this is how she represented herself on the issue.

5.  There is a fifth character, a lifelong friend of Helen's since childhood, but she is unnamed here because she played no role in this particular issue.  At least no role that I know of.  She may have been an advisor to Helen.

A Friend's Betrayal

Dear Ethicist,

I've had a friend for at least 35 years.  There is a 12 year age disparity with me being the elder.  Helen (not her real name) comes from a great family and her parents were very kind to me.  Both parents are now deceased, but she also has one brother with whom she is very close, and who I am also fond of.  He is a truly great guy.  Helen is divorced with two sons and I am also fond of both sons.  In other ways, she has had her ups and downs in life, but overall she has done very well.  About 5 years ago, Helen pulled a stunner on me.  She accused me of being intimately interested in her and wanted to assert that she was not gay.  I'm not gay either but I have many gay friends who I am very fond of.  Helen does not know my gay friends, she only knows of them.  This came completely out of left field for me and somehow I  pushed past it.  I don't meant this as a distraction to the real issue, but offer as a reference point of how Helen can sometimes be.

In the past year I have had many insights into Helen that I recognize have always been there, but that I had just ignored. The year has been difficult for her with an unexpected surgery and the sudden and unexpected death of her wonderful dog.  She has also had happy events, one of which is the upcoming wedding of her eldest son at a distant and touristy, out-of-state venue.  This backstory brings me to the reason for my Ethicist inquiry and, to be honest, has caused some sleepless nights.  I, along with three of Helen's friends have been invited to the wedding.  I know of Helen's friends, but do not know them personally, although, related to Helen's surgery, I recently became acquainted with Marlene.  I have known Helen's son since his birth so, of course, I was pleased to be invited.  I'm sure the others were equally pleased.  Helen will be staying with her family in a large Airbnb.  For her friends Helen managed to coalesce us all into a lumped group for our accommodation planning.  I wanted to stay in a hotel as Helen had reserved a block of rooms at a hotel near the wedding venue.  Marlene and Linda wanted to stay in an Airbnb and the third unnamed friend would be staying with her sister who lives locally.  I am not fond of Airbnb.  Perhaps they are fine if you have children and prefer to cook your own meals.  This was not our situation.  Marlene said she "just loved" Airbnb and Linda said she was "burned out on hotels" and would not stay in one.  Of course, Airbnbs are expensive so I did not want to be the resistant outlier.  I acquiesced and said, basically, "Okay, no problem, I'll be happy to stay in an Airbnb."  It took about a week or so for all of this to play out via email.  In that week Marlene found a "just fabulous" Airbnb very near the wedding venue.  I agreed that Marlene should make the reservation.  We did not hear from Linda.  I thought this was odd.  The Airbnb that Marlene fell in love with was one that Linda had also found.  Finally we heard from Linda.  She was dropping out of the Airbnb plan.  More accurately, she put the hammer down.  "No, absolutely not, I reserved a Bed N' Breakfast.  I'll be staying there."  So now, it's just the two of us holding the bag for a very expensive Airbnb.  All of this occurred well in advance of the wedding.  We could have easily made changes then, but Marlene continued to express her love for Airbnb and wanted to stay there.  Helen cancelled the hotel reservations.

This brings me to the crux of the matter.  I have since found out that Helen hates (yes, hates!) Marlene and she labelled Marlene as "toxic" to her.  Prior to learning this, the only thing Helen had told me was that Marlene did not like to be alone.  I also had the unpleasant experience of actually seeing Helen behave like a teenaged mean girl toward Marlene.  She later apologized to me (perhaps out of embarrassment), but at least she acknowledged she had behaved badly.  I don't know if she apologized to Marlene.  I have noticed that Marlene is tiresome (she likes to be right and always has all of the answers).  Nevertheless, I thought "toxic" was probably an unfair description.  More time goes by, a few things have come up, but basically the dust has settled.  Marlene is indeed difficult to work with.  I can never get a straight answer or obtain easy information from her.  Not without begging anyway.  By now, the puzzle pieces have fallen into place.  I see Helen's fingerprints all over this arrangement.  She forewarned her "burned out on hotels" friend Linda, and Linda was able to easily squirm out of her Airbnb demands.  This has left me, along with Marlene, shouldering the high-cost of the Airbnb.  It has also left me unbuffered against Marlene who, amongst other things, does not like to be alone.  I'm fine being alone.  I have absolutely nothing in common with Marlene.  Helen thought it would be just fine to leave me to distract and entertain her.  Basically, Helen dumped Marlene on me.  As a friend who does not know Helen and will never meet her said to me, "you were trapped."

I want to tell Helen that I am aware of her manipulation of this situation.  Should I speak with her?  Or, just grit my teeth and bear it.  Mind you, this is for six days; not just one or two.  I now know that I am not in for a pleasant wedding vacation and that it is going to cost a boatload of money.  Money was never the issue for me, but I find this betrayal by Helen nearly unbearable.  

Name Withheld          

POSTSCRIPT

The Ethicist surely screens letters for those they think readers will find most interesting and those that are relatively easy to print.  I cannot expect my letter to be published by the Ethicist; it may not be considered interesing and it is way too long.  I know the secret to good writing lies in thrift, but it took me this many words to tell my story.  The letter I sent to The Ethicist was shorter than this, but for this piece I edited it for more clarity and this has made it longer.

For as long as I have known Helen one would think that I would have picked up on what is possible for her.  In fact, in other unrelated situations, I have been her advisor and it's not the first time I have watched her manipulate situations.  It's also not the first time, I have had a connection to her manipulation.  I didn't see this coming and I feel dismayed, even embarrassed, about being blindsided.  I imagine this is how a person who has been scammed feels.  

So, is this also my fault?  I could have probably avoided this whole thing just by paying attention.  As with my example in the opening paragraph, over time I have given Helen a lot of passes and have trusted too much.  (To be fair, Helen has given me some passes, too.)  I can be drawn into cynicism and distrust, but I don't like going there and I don't like being there.  This time it seems I could have used a little of both.

Multi-person situations will always reveal variations of "the facts."  This is my honest and most balanced retelling of what has occurred and is as close to "the facts" as I can get.    I write to get it off my mind; and paradoxically, I write to remember so that I will learn.  I also want to forgive.  The wedding is still upcoming!  Cancelling has been on my mind, but I don't think that is the right answer.

I have taken a page out of Helen's book and have consulted a friend who Helen will never meet or know.  If I do decide to speak with Helen, she has advised me to wait until after the wedding.  My friend commented that "this is a high-stress time for Helen and speaking about it now will likely increase Helen's stress."  I agree with this.  So, speaking with Helen is on the back burner for now, but truth be told, I'm hoping that writing this Letter to the Ethicist will be enough.  Fingers crossed, I am likely never to mention any of this to Helen.  The only bonus for me will be that I have learned.  I don't care how old I am, the only way forward is to keep learning.  I am the one responsible for making the needed changes to my friendship with Helen.